If Men Ruled the World...
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes
of the NFL team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus
and right into your car.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so
it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get
the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however,
would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in
advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
- Two words: ALLY MCNAKED.
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view
event in world history.
- The victors in any athletic competition would get
to kill and eat the losers.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would
be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car,
as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail
Free" cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
- Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold,"
and "100 proof."
- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds
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