We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at
work will become a pure pleasure.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke
or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into