Stupid Students - part 3
More excerpts from student essays.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims
Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the
Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian
heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal
to them. The winter of 1680 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people
died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul
Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and
the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone
to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread
under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time
became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution the United States
was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the
people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's
greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born
in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President,
he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington
to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. Fourteenth Amendment gave
ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented
law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and
so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote
music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He
took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution
was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme
song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During
the Napolenonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were tremoling in
their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and
nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems
and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the
British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria
was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining
years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions
and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist
who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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