New Stock Market Terms

1. CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

2. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

3. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

4. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

5. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

6. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

7. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

8. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

9. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

10. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

11. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

12. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

13. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

14. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

15. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

16. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

17. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.