We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4, and Dec. 25.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work
is done enough.
OUT DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice
as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees
whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names
begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at
your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with
a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the
end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
and the stall door will open.
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal and maintain their average figure. Fat people get
5 minutes for lunch because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast & take a diet pill.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should
be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.