The Joys of Womanhood

• Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

• One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

• My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

• I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

• Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
  Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

• A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

• I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.